Sketch Diary: Conan the centre-forward

My heart sank when I saw this meatmonger warming up for the opposition in our not-so-friendly 5 a-side league.
I spent most of the game running away from him or ineffectually kicking his legs. I think he was made of wood.

Quote: "I didn't elbow him. I nutted him! HUH-HUH."

Sketch Diary: Space Invaders

Tube travel reached a new level of discomfort this evening when a generously-fed woman decided to straddle me and give her fanny a well earnt rest on my knee.

Sketch Diary: Physio gets weirder

I'm not sure if my physiotherapist hates me but she made me do this on a treadmill the other day.

Sketch Diary: Orthopaedo

An attractive blonde physiotherapist calls me into her office.
Hmm...she's nice.
She orders me to take my clothes off.
Ooh...interesting...
She has really cold hands.
Oh.
She assesses how enfeebled my shoulder joint has become and prescribes some light rotator cuff exercises.

Sketch Diary: Disclocation, dislocation, dislocation

Like Guido Fawkes' confession signature, this drawing was forced out in pain, and with my wrong hand. The things I do for you anonymous web-sods.

I have dislocated my shoulder, for the third time. Unlike the previous times, I was given gas, morphine, and a wheelchair, all fairly quickly. But, despite my protests, I was also fully conscious when they squelched my humerus back into my body.

Sketch Diary: Tiny Tom and The Angry Scot

Here is an artist's impression of how small I felt after being told off for not helping a very elderly woman struggling with a huge suitcase.

"Ye wouldne even lift your feet up, for an auld lady?" her husband bellowed at me.
I had been daydreaming, wondering if she was going to topple over. It was actually someone else's legs that were in the way, but I felt awful.

"He wouldne even lift his feet up," he boomed, to the whole carriage. "For an auld lady."

"Sorry" I squeaked, but it was too high-pitched and quiet for anyone to hear. It took me until lunchtime to return to normal size.

Sketch Diary: Is One Year Old

I drew this while vibrating slightly on a long hot train journey so it's not bad. And those are meant to be moles on my face, not splodges of poo or skin cancers.

It's been about a year since I started the sketch diary, and about six months since I chucked it all online. It's been an overwhelming success - the pages of the sketch diary have been viewed 1,805 times. That's more than the number of metres in a mile!

I've received at least several emails from fans and don't at all feel like I'm clogging up the Internet with pointless pictures of my own face. I'm guessing the anniversary of the sketch diary is likely to be celebrated by Time Magazine, but they haven't confirmed anything yet.

Sketch Diary: The Doors of Perception

I saw this unfair but amusing reflection of myself as I came home from work, a bit boozy, on Friday evening. Click on the image to make it larger. Please, come on, click on it.

PLEASE!

Sketch Diary: Poopy Time

I abseiled down a 100ft castle turret as part of a birthday suprise that was so fun, I won't be able to make my usual sneering, cynical, miserable little comments about how crap everything is.

I doubt I actually looked this scared as I lowered myself through the medieval trapdoor of doom, but you get the idea. Poopy time.

Sketch Diary: Huge Jeep, Headbutt, Headache

My ten-minute jolly to Tesco Metro Hammersmith at lunchtime has sadly become the most fruitful time of the week for sketch diary material. On Wednesday, I slipped and smashed my head into a parked Range Rover.

Ok, Snow and Ice, we had fun, but it's been three days. You can fuck off now.

Sketch Diary: The Great Blizzard of '09

In direct contrast to the last post, this looks exciting, but wasn't really . The tricky bit was keeping the sledge moving above that crucial speed called 'not moving at all'.

Sketch Diary: Sport and Leisure

Not even a sexy angle and some keerrraaaazzy perspective can make table tennis look exciting, but it is.

Sketch Diary: BINGE BRITAIN DISGRACE CRISIS

Here I am doing that thing we all love in this country, where you drink weak poison all night until you start to malfunction, then you buy disgusting food on the way home. Last night, we were celebrating the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, so I got particularly spazzed up, and got given some rubber ducks.

I've found an effect on CorelDraw that simulates what the world looks like when you are cold and drunk. See how it makes everything a bit wobbly and unsteady? And it also blurs the picture round the face, which means you can't tell that it looks absolutely nothing like me.

If you don't like the effect, and want to see it unblurred, you can just sod off back to Facebook, you cheesegrater.

Sketch Diary: That Wall is Well Wall

One of the few sketches that actually look better after I scanned it. The wall actually looks like a wall. Unfortunately, me and friends look barely human, because I'd redrawn the faces so many times the paper would have broken if I'd continued trying. I copied this from a brilliant arty photo taken in a tube station in Brussels. Now I know the formula for looking cool in pictures (don't smile and stand in a stupid position relative to everyone else), I'll be doing it more often.

Sketch Diary: Sporting Legend

I am well and truly littering the Internet now, with a yawn-inducing sketch of me playing badminton.

I was going to apologise for the confused order of these 'diary' entries but then I realised this is my blog, and nobody reads it anyway.

Sketch Diary: Being A Bit Cool

In this picture I am putting up flyers in Farringdon for my friend's underground techno rave party. Sounds pretty cool huh?
I'm wearing Rayban sunglasses at night like a proper twat, a) to look a bit shifty and cool and b) because I thought it might help me avoid being arrested by the filth, who drove by, uninterested, twice.

This is the first sketch that bears a decent resemblance to me, in terms of head shape, hairline, and psychospiritual aura. I think I've become a better drawer in a few months if you compare this to the crud I was drawing when I started.

Sketch Diary: This took ages

This took a disproportionate amount of time to draw for the result. Drawing stairs from an unusual angle is a fookin' nightmare.

I'm still doing the little comments in capitals on my sketches that make it look like I'm trying to do one of those 'real life' graphic novels about having cancer or something, which isn't what I'm doing.
I think I was trying to be funny. Or maybe I thought for a moment I was actually writing a graphic novel, and this incident on the stairs was really significant and poignant, which it would be, if only I did have cancer and could put 'because of the medication' in the caption.

Sketch Diary: Skibby-dibby-dibby dong do-dong dong

Not a particularly good picture, but a nice reminder that I turn into a disgusting ferral ape-boy when I'm on my own for more than a week.

I really just need to get some balls and press harder with the pencil when I'm drawing. Mr Shackleton told me that ten years ago in school, and did I listen? No, I didn't, because he looked like Scatman John.

Due to the crapness of my scanner/ing a sneek preview of the next Sketch Diary entry appears in the background of this drawing...
...[update] which is the one above this post now anyway.

Sketch Diary: Sketch Diary begins with a bang

My first picture. Excited at my new project and materials, I drew myself drawing while sat on my own in my flat doing fuck all. I added the sarcastic comment later.