Sketch Diary: Creepy Krakow

You know you're having an unusual holiday when someone switches the light on in the youth hostel at 5am and a man you've heard trying to molest your friend turns out to be a mad German pensioner in his pants.

Click on the image if you're man enough.

Sketch Diary: Facebook

Hey, why's that chap holding his book right up to his face in Archway's finest Irish booze-nest, The Mother Red Cap?

Is he: a) reading the most engrossing book ever; b) so long-sighted he has to feel the words with his eyes to read them; or c) cunningly hiding the fact he is totally pissed up and asleep?

Sketch Diary: Real Arse Festival

Here's a sketch of an unintentionally hilarious auction on stage at the Great British Beer Festival in Earl's Court.

Two walking stereotypes, pregnant with ale, flogged assorted junk to around 100 drunk students and fat nerds. One provided the banter - a mixture of misogynistic jokes and anti-Budweiser preaching - the other just held up the items, and scowled at the crowd.

Memorable items included:

A bag of 100 beer mats, assorted brands
An untested Grolsch bar light without a plug
A used beer towel, 'needs a rinse'

One lunatic was even mad enough to bid for 'a night out in Horsham with me and Phil for some beer, some more beer, and then possibly even more beer.'
Oh yeah and I spewed on a train on the way home. Damn them and their stinking 7 per cent filth.

Sketch Diary: Zonked up Zooty Boy

I stumbled across this joker at 7am, all pale and yellow and apparently dead, in the middle of the pavement in Archway.

Luckily his brain wasn't oozing sticky crimson gunk after a bike crash. His fed-up looking mate was explaining to passers by: 'He's just had too much to drink,' while texting something - possibly:

Daz tk 3 zootie beans n is MONGED up BIG TIME on cressida rd. Wat a dick. come n look LOL

Sketch Diary: The Doors of Perception

I saw this unfair but amusing reflection of myself as I came home from work, a bit boozy, on Friday evening. Click on the image to make it larger. Please, come on, click on it.

PLEASE!

Sketch Diary: Park Tavern

Here is an incoherent old drunk from one of the grimmest pubs in my area, the Park Tavern.

Instead of telling him to shut up, I've drawn an unflattering picture of him and posted it on an obscure corner of the Internet. That'll teach him. Although I can't imagine him doing anything with a computer other than just shouting: "Karmo' ya cunt" at it.

He was the landlord apparently.

Sketch Diary: The Dawn of 2009

MERRY STUFF AND HAPPY NEW THINGYS! WOOHOO! LOL.



I stumbled out into the dazzling morning sunshine of 2009 mute drunk (not blind) and utterly dependent on my friends. Somehow they seem to like, know where we are and stuff...and how to get home...(Belch).
I probably would have found a skip to die quietly in without them.

This was the intimidating view I took in as I realised I'd been on a labyrinthine council estate in Bethnal Green since the early hours of the morning.

Look at my excellent use of perspective and the painstaking detail. Shame the flats actually look quite nice, too, 'cos they were fucking horrible.

Sketch Diary: BINGE BRITAIN DISGRACE CRISIS

Here I am doing that thing we all love in this country, where you drink weak poison all night until you start to malfunction, then you buy disgusting food on the way home. Last night, we were celebrating the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, so I got particularly spazzed up, and got given some rubber ducks.

I've found an effect on CorelDraw that simulates what the world looks like when you are cold and drunk. See how it makes everything a bit wobbly and unsteady? And it also blurs the picture round the face, which means you can't tell that it looks absolutely nothing like me.

If you don't like the effect, and want to see it unblurred, you can just sod off back to Facebook, you cheesegrater.

Sketch Diary: Tesco Booze Buddies

It's proof of what an uneventful few days I've had, that I considered doing a sketch of a man who had some kind of muscle-twitching disorder - because he looked a bit like he was doing 'the robot'. That would have made me, officially, a bad person.

But luckily yesterday I came across these old mingers, having the time of their lives causing trouble in Tesco, where most of the staff seemed to know their names. They stumbled around the shop, cackling at everything and everyone (including me), perved on a check-out girl for a bit and got thrown out. I looked on enviously from the queue of miserable shoppers, clutching my slab of Pilgrim's Choice.

Hopefully I'll do something this week so I can stop drawing freaks.

Sketch Diary: Being A Bit Cool

In this picture I am putting up flyers in Farringdon for my friend's underground techno rave party. Sounds pretty cool huh?
I'm wearing Rayban sunglasses at night like a proper twat, a) to look a bit shifty and cool and b) because I thought it might help me avoid being arrested by the filth, who drove by, uninterested, twice.

This is the first sketch that bears a decent resemblance to me, in terms of head shape, hairline, and psychospiritual aura. I think I've become a better drawer in a few months if you compare this to the crud I was drawing when I started.