Sketch Diary: Penny Fart-heads

A brace of London idiots riding a discredited type of bicycle.

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Sketch Diary: Here's Vicky

Vic is waging war on grease (cleaning the oven) again.

Sketch Diary: Ganster Wraps

Here's some Turkish ganster types sitting outside their 'members only cafe' on my road.

Unfortunately they are quite scary so I drew this having looked across the road at them for about a second.

I like to imagine occasionally some idiotic Islington twerp goes in, asks for a gluten-free frappuccino and never comes out.

Sketch Diary: Floating Voter

Did you know mobility scooters did this?

In a crowded House of Lord's commitee room this woman eerily levitated five foot into the air to make a point.

Sketch Diary: An unpleasant scene

Not everything I observe is funny lol

Don't you hate the way people use LOL as punctiation now lol

Even when things aren't funny lol x x

Sketch Diary: Bus-Spotter Spotting

Spotted: A bus spotter.

Just writing down the five-digit number above the driver's window. Of every bus that went past. In the rain.

Dream Diary: Let's go home, Mr Obama

I'm resorting to drawing dreams again, sorry. The physical realm just hasn't been very interesting lately.
You have to admit, this one's fairly prophetic though. Just me and Barack, the lone survivors returning from a DREADFUL WAR.

In a MINIBUS. IN DORSET

Sketch Diary: BllaAAARGHHALP

Lunchtime in a pub in Caerphilly. A violent belch erupts from a woman on the next table, stopping me mid-sentence and blasting the stench of her spicy insides over me and my mother. No reaction from her or her friend.

Sketch Diary: Space Invaders

Tube travel reached a new level of discomfort this evening when a generously-fed woman decided to straddle me and give her fanny a well earnt rest on my knee.

Sketch Diary: 21st Century Band Practice

I've joined a band. This is how we roll.

We crazy.

Sketch Diary: Taxi Driver

I saw this merry little scene near my house the other day.

I couldn't tell if his face meant 'for god's sake, help me' or 'you've seen too much. I'll have to kill you too.'

I walked straight past because it was freezing and frankly I've got enough problems of my own.

Sketch Diary: Speedo Muncher

July: I had a lovely holiday in France. Unfortunately my enduring memory is this mulleted speedo-Nazi enforcing his 'speedos-only' rules on the poor speedo-clad freaks of Grenoble (i.e Speedo-land). He actually chucked me out of the swimming pool for wearing swimming shorts, the fucker. All because my genitals weren't packed into a little Lycra sac like his.

Click on the image for the full-fat effect.

Sketch Diary: Tiny Tom and The Angry Scot

Here is an artist's impression of how small I felt after being told off for not helping a very elderly woman struggling with a huge suitcase.

"Ye wouldne even lift your feet up, for an auld lady?" her husband bellowed at me.
I had been daydreaming, wondering if she was going to topple over. It was actually someone else's legs that were in the way, but I felt awful.

"He wouldne even lift his feet up," he boomed, to the whole carriage. "For an auld lady."

"Sorry" I squeaked, but it was too high-pitched and quiet for anyone to hear. It took me until lunchtime to return to normal size.

Sketch Diary: Poopy Time

I abseiled down a 100ft castle turret as part of a birthday suprise that was so fun, I won't be able to make my usual sneering, cynical, miserable little comments about how crap everything is.

I doubt I actually looked this scared as I lowered myself through the medieval trapdoor of doom, but you get the idea. Poopy time.

Sketch Diary: Gonad Bay

Studland, Dorset. Passing through the famous nudists' section of the beach, you may see the odd flesh-coloured figure lying in the bushes, enjoying the breeze on their balls.
Trying to find a shortcut to the car, I got lost in the sand dunes. There roamed a different species of naturist, popping up occasionally on small vantage points above the heather. They wear T-shirts, sun-hats, backpacks. But no pants. They are slightly creepier.

Go on, click on the image, you might find a willy.

Sketch Diary: G20 Riot

A pathetic two sketches in the whole of March and then... Woo hoo! Civil unrest and police brutality come along on April 1st.


I went along to the G20 Meltdown protest after work and got close enough to see a guy get his head smashed against a police van, which deep down was kind of why I went I think.

With hundreds of other curious office workers and some posh stoners, I explored the outer perimeter of the police 'kettle' and ran away every time the terrifying riot police came anywhere near me.

I'd love to do a big sketch to capture the whole exhilarating scene around the Bank of England but I can't be arsed.

[Update] Actually I can.

Sketch Diary: The Blue Spider (Dream)

I've been off work all week and have barely left the house, except to go to the pub and get drunk, which doesn't make for great sketches - so I have drawn the mysterious and magical Blue Spider that visited me in sleepy-land last night.

Yes, I know the first rule of How To Bore Someone to Death is: 'tell them all about your kerrraaazy dream.'

But instead of trying to explain impossible nonsense (e.g."I was in my room, but it was a bit like my school, except it wasn't because it was in space...") I've done this little explanatory sketch. Don't forget to click on the image to enlarge it, if you give a shit.

Sketch Diary: Merry Xmas, From the Plastic Hag

I've uploaded all my old sketches, so I'm up do date now. This picture is of a horrible scene I saw today on my lunch break amongst the Christmas shoppers in Hammersmith.
A lumpy old woman with plastic bags instead of clothes punched, spat and screamed at a woman, who I think was trying to give her a pound. It gave me goosebumps. Scared, spooky goosebumps, not good goosebumps.

Sketch Diary: Being A Bit Cool

In this picture I am putting up flyers in Farringdon for my friend's underground techno rave party. Sounds pretty cool huh?
I'm wearing Rayban sunglasses at night like a proper twat, a) to look a bit shifty and cool and b) because I thought it might help me avoid being arrested by the filth, who drove by, uninterested, twice.

This is the first sketch that bears a decent resemblance to me, in terms of head shape, hairline, and psychospiritual aura. I think I've become a better drawer in a few months if you compare this to the crud I was drawing when I started.

Sketch Diary: Beardy Weirdo

I really like this picture. This is exactly the kind of thing I wanted to record in my sketch diary. I'm fascinated by these loons and don't want to forget what makes each one interesting. I know they all smell of concentrated piss, but what was he listening to? A fresh Jamaican trance-hall mix maybe, but probably just taped religous babbling.

I pressed harder this time, and its a bit more ambitous, what with the bus interior and all. Yeah, I know, thanks. Cheers. Nice one. See you later.