Sketch Diary: Ganster Wraps

Here's some Turkish ganster types sitting outside their 'members only cafe' on my road.

Unfortunately they are quite scary so I drew this having looked across the road at them for about a second.

I like to imagine occasionally some idiotic Islington twerp goes in, asks for a gluten-free frappuccino and never comes out.

Sketch Diary: MonuMental

Why is London's Monument - the largest free-standing stone column in the world - not more famous and well-loved? Because it's built in memory of a fire, and not some great war-bastard, I reckon.


The view from the top, where an insanely paranoid health and safety viewing cage has been created, is, as the Scots say, fandabidozi. But you do have to share two square metres of cage with about 50 amateur photographers and wheezing tourists.
I've added a man falling to his death from the top to help give a sense of scale.

Sketch Diary: Taxi Driver

I saw this merry little scene near my house the other day.

I couldn't tell if his face meant 'for god's sake, help me' or 'you've seen too much. I'll have to kill you too.'

I walked straight past because it was freezing and frankly I've got enough problems of my own.

Sketch Diary: Zonked up Zooty Boy

I stumbled across this joker at 7am, all pale and yellow and apparently dead, in the middle of the pavement in Archway.

Luckily his brain wasn't oozing sticky crimson gunk after a bike crash. His fed-up looking mate was explaining to passers by: 'He's just had too much to drink,' while texting something - possibly:

Daz tk 3 zootie beans n is MONGED up BIG TIME on cressida rd. Wat a dick. come n look LOL

Sketch Diary: Smoking Bin

Here's evidence of Hammersmith's nicotine-addled office workers, hundreds of whom simultaneously dump their burning death sticks into a bin by the tube station as they rush home. It reminded me a bit of the smoking thing that mental Pope dude waves about.

Sketch Diary: The Corpse Museum

On Saturday I just totally lost my mind and skinned some bloke. I stood up his slimy cadaver and positioned it so he was holding up his own skin and looking at it. Then I masturbated.

Not really. But a German professor called Gunther von Hagens has done pretty much exactly that (the wanking bit is unconfirmed). In fact he's been skinning people, messing around with dead babies and pickling cocks since 1975. He's not even been put in a mental home or anything. I paid £14 to go and have a look at some of his work/victims at the O2 Arena in Greenwich.

Sketch Diary: Drums of Death

Shoreditch, London. Chubby Scottish DJ 'Drums of Death' (Colin Bailey) shouting in a pseudo-american accent over dance music, with his 'trademark' 'wacky' facepaint.

When your in my hut/ HUH!/ you know whats up!/
You know the urge I'm feelin'/ I've got the things you're needin'/YAAAOOWWW!!!!

Technoplebs in the crowd absolutely loving it.

Me, despairing, resenting all humans. All of you.

Sketch Diary: This took ages

This took a disproportionate amount of time to draw for the result. Drawing stairs from an unusual angle is a fookin' nightmare.

I'm still doing the little comments in capitals on my sketches that make it look like I'm trying to do one of those 'real life' graphic novels about having cancer or something, which isn't what I'm doing.
I think I was trying to be funny. Or maybe I thought for a moment I was actually writing a graphic novel, and this incident on the stairs was really significant and poignant, which it would be, if only I did have cancer and could put 'because of the medication' in the caption.

Weird science teacher (2007)

What a treat for you bloggers! This is one of my most famous pieces. I know of at least one person who owns and cherishes a print of this striking sketch. Well, he photocopied it.

Prints (£4.99), t-shirts (£15.99), and originals (£100,000+) of all artwork featured on this page are available to purchase. What? Why not?