Sketch Diary: Tiny Tom and The Angry Scot

Here is an artist's impression of how small I felt after being told off for not helping a very elderly woman struggling with a huge suitcase.

"Ye wouldne even lift your feet up, for an auld lady?" her husband bellowed at me.
I had been daydreaming, wondering if she was going to topple over. It was actually someone else's legs that were in the way, but I felt awful.

"He wouldne even lift his feet up," he boomed, to the whole carriage. "For an auld lady."

"Sorry" I squeaked, but it was too high-pitched and quiet for anyone to hear. It took me until lunchtime to return to normal size.

Sketch Diary: Real Arse Festival

Here's a sketch of an unintentionally hilarious auction on stage at the Great British Beer Festival in Earl's Court.

Two walking stereotypes, pregnant with ale, flogged assorted junk to around 100 drunk students and fat nerds. One provided the banter - a mixture of misogynistic jokes and anti-Budweiser preaching - the other just held up the items, and scowled at the crowd.

Memorable items included:

A bag of 100 beer mats, assorted brands
An untested Grolsch bar light without a plug
A used beer towel, 'needs a rinse'

One lunatic was even mad enough to bid for 'a night out in Horsham with me and Phil for some beer, some more beer, and then possibly even more beer.'
Oh yeah and I spewed on a train on the way home. Damn them and their stinking 7 per cent filth.