Sketch Diary: Sport and Leisure

Not even a sexy angle and some keerrraaaazzy perspective can make table tennis look exciting, but it is.

Sketch Diary: Idiot head

I'm still chuckling to myself about this guy. Well, not now. I'm talking to myself on a blog about chuckling to myself I mean. I had to document what was quite possibly the worst haircut I will ever see. Presumably he had just come from a poncey photo-shoot, or maybe even walked straight off the end of a catwalk, without questioning what the fuckers had done to him.

And all of a sudden I forgive London again. What twat-tastic treats you give us.

Sketch Diary: The Corpse Museum

On Saturday I just totally lost my mind and skinned some bloke. I stood up his slimy cadaver and positioned it so he was holding up his own skin and looking at it. Then I masturbated.

Not really. But a German professor called Gunther von Hagens has done pretty much exactly that (the wanking bit is unconfirmed). In fact he's been skinning people, messing around with dead babies and pickling cocks since 1975. He's not even been put in a mental home or anything. I paid £14 to go and have a look at some of his work/victims at the O2 Arena in Greenwich.

Sketch Diary: Drums of Death

Shoreditch, London. Chubby Scottish DJ 'Drums of Death' (Colin Bailey) shouting in a pseudo-american accent over dance music, with his 'trademark' 'wacky' facepaint.

When your in my hut/ HUH!/ you know whats up!/
You know the urge I'm feelin'/ I've got the things you're needin'/YAAAOOWWW!!!!

Technoplebs in the crowd absolutely loving it.

Me, despairing, resenting all humans. All of you.

Sketch Diary: Orthodox Badgers

In the great human fauna of London, these guys are like badgers. Funny-looking, and always a bit exciting to spot. On Cazenove Road in Stoke Newington, I was lucky to see many of its large Torah Jewish community hanging around after a sesh in the Synagogue. This guy was just staring into space, maybe daydreaming about wearing a baseball cap backwards and running amok.
There are lots of Muslims living there too, and I tried to think of something poignant to say about the current situation in the Middle East. I couldn't, but soon got to my friend's flat in Clapton to watch Man U batter Chelsea 3-0.

Sketch Diary: The Dawn of 2009

MERRY STUFF AND HAPPY NEW THINGYS! WOOHOO! LOL.



I stumbled out into the dazzling morning sunshine of 2009 mute drunk (not blind) and utterly dependent on my friends. Somehow they seem to like, know where we are and stuff...and how to get home...(Belch).
I probably would have found a skip to die quietly in without them.

This was the intimidating view I took in as I realised I'd been on a labyrinthine council estate in Bethnal Green since the early hours of the morning.

Look at my excellent use of perspective and the painstaking detail. Shame the flats actually look quite nice, too, 'cos they were fucking horrible.