Sketch Diary: Fuck Da Po-lice

"When they kick out your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun?"
Oh, hi!
Yeah no, sorry. I didn't hear anything. I was watching TV and then I did hear the door go about seven but I didn't answer it because I just, ignored it. Sorry.
Would you like a cup of tea?

Sketch Diary: BINGE BRITAIN DISGRACE CRISIS

Here I am doing that thing we all love in this country, where you drink weak poison all night until you start to malfunction, then you buy disgusting food on the way home. Last night, we were celebrating the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, so I got particularly spazzed up, and got given some rubber ducks.

I've found an effect on CorelDraw that simulates what the world looks like when you are cold and drunk. See how it makes everything a bit wobbly and unsteady? And it also blurs the picture round the face, which means you can't tell that it looks absolutely nothing like me.

If you don't like the effect, and want to see it unblurred, you can just sod off back to Facebook, you cheesegrater.

Sketch Diary: The Blue Spider (Dream)

I've been off work all week and have barely left the house, except to go to the pub and get drunk, which doesn't make for great sketches - so I have drawn the mysterious and magical Blue Spider that visited me in sleepy-land last night.

Yes, I know the first rule of How To Bore Someone to Death is: 'tell them all about your kerrraaazy dream.'

But instead of trying to explain impossible nonsense (e.g."I was in my room, but it was a bit like my school, except it wasn't because it was in space...") I've done this little explanatory sketch. Don't forget to click on the image to enlarge it, if you give a shit.

Sketch Diary: Tesco Booze Buddies

It's proof of what an uneventful few days I've had, that I considered doing a sketch of a man who had some kind of muscle-twitching disorder - because he looked a bit like he was doing 'the robot'. That would have made me, officially, a bad person.

But luckily yesterday I came across these old mingers, having the time of their lives causing trouble in Tesco, where most of the staff seemed to know their names. They stumbled around the shop, cackling at everything and everyone (including me), perved on a check-out girl for a bit and got thrown out. I looked on enviously from the queue of miserable shoppers, clutching my slab of Pilgrim's Choice.

Hopefully I'll do something this week so I can stop drawing freaks.

Sketch Diary: Merry Xmas, From the Plastic Hag

I've uploaded all my old sketches, so I'm up do date now. This picture is of a horrible scene I saw today on my lunch break amongst the Christmas shoppers in Hammersmith.
A lumpy old woman with plastic bags instead of clothes punched, spat and screamed at a woman, who I think was trying to give her a pound. It gave me goosebumps. Scared, spooky goosebumps, not good goosebumps.

Sketch Diary: That Wall is Well Wall

One of the few sketches that actually look better after I scanned it. The wall actually looks like a wall. Unfortunately, me and friends look barely human, because I'd redrawn the faces so many times the paper would have broken if I'd continued trying. I copied this from a brilliant arty photo taken in a tube station in Brussels. Now I know the formula for looking cool in pictures (don't smile and stand in a stupid position relative to everyone else), I'll be doing it more often.

Sketch Diary: Sporting Legend

I am well and truly littering the Internet now, with a yawn-inducing sketch of me playing badminton.

I was going to apologise for the confused order of these 'diary' entries but then I realised this is my blog, and nobody reads it anyway.

Sketch Diary: Jeered and Cheered

This is a really poor sketch, but my book is tiny and I had a lot to fit in.

Being booed and shouted at by hundreds of people is a great buzz - I really recommend it. This band were so vomit-inducing that 'You're shit!' just rose out of me from within, without me really having any conscious control over it - like a powerful belch. It just happened to be in the middle of a dead quiet bit, and the band stopped playing; the crowd turned on me like I was a paedo on the Jeremy Kyle show.

The annoying brown thing has re-appeared on the bottom right of my pictures. I think there is a bit of smudged biscuit in the scanner. It looks a bit like a copyright symbol though, which may come in handy.

Sketch Diary: The Day The World Changed

November 4th, 2008. The world changed for many people that day. Not me. I copied this from a photo off the internet while eating an egg after work on November 5th.
I didn't trace it though.Tracing things is really rubbish. Copying is ok.

Sketch Diary: Lunatic of the Week

Another fascinating local loon. If he was a good tap-dancer, I'd just think he was a twat, but he's manic and rubbish and makes little Michael Jackson wimpers as he pumps away.




Not a particularly good drawing -his head is so big it barely fits between his shoulders -but the tube carriage is pleasing.

Sketch Diary: I Hate Classical Concerts

Going to see a classical music concert can be punishing enough, let alone when you have to stand up for the whole show, looking over the shoulder of a fat smelly nerd who whispers what will happen next to show how many times he has been, while you try to catch a glimpse of your friend in the choir who you can't see properly anyway because you've got your old glasses on.

Perfect fodder for an interesting cartoon though.

Sketch Diary: Being A Bit Cool

In this picture I am putting up flyers in Farringdon for my friend's underground techno rave party. Sounds pretty cool huh?
I'm wearing Rayban sunglasses at night like a proper twat, a) to look a bit shifty and cool and b) because I thought it might help me avoid being arrested by the filth, who drove by, uninterested, twice.

This is the first sketch that bears a decent resemblance to me, in terms of head shape, hairline, and psychospiritual aura. I think I've become a better drawer in a few months if you compare this to the crud I was drawing when I started.

Sketch Diary: Five Go Mad In Kemble

I had a spiffing weekend at a friend's relative's cottage in Kemble, Gloucestershire. Here I am bouncing off a trampoline into a giant paddling pool, which I did over, and over again.

Sketch Diary: This took ages

This took a disproportionate amount of time to draw for the result. Drawing stairs from an unusual angle is a fookin' nightmare.

I'm still doing the little comments in capitals on my sketches that make it look like I'm trying to do one of those 'real life' graphic novels about having cancer or something, which isn't what I'm doing.
I think I was trying to be funny. Or maybe I thought for a moment I was actually writing a graphic novel, and this incident on the stairs was really significant and poignant, which it would be, if only I did have cancer and could put 'because of the medication' in the caption.

Sketch Diary: Beardy Weirdo

I really like this picture. This is exactly the kind of thing I wanted to record in my sketch diary. I'm fascinated by these loons and don't want to forget what makes each one interesting. I know they all smell of concentrated piss, but what was he listening to? A fresh Jamaican trance-hall mix maybe, but probably just taped religous babbling.

I pressed harder this time, and its a bit more ambitous, what with the bus interior and all. Yeah, I know, thanks. Cheers. Nice one. See you later.

Sketch Diary: Skibby-dibby-dibby dong do-dong dong

Not a particularly good picture, but a nice reminder that I turn into a disgusting ferral ape-boy when I'm on my own for more than a week.

I really just need to get some balls and press harder with the pencil when I'm drawing. Mr Shackleton told me that ten years ago in school, and did I listen? No, I didn't, because he looked like Scatman John.

Due to the crapness of my scanner/ing a sneek preview of the next Sketch Diary entry appears in the background of this drawing...
...[update] which is the one above this post now anyway.

Sketch Diary: Neither a mental nor a moonface

This is a picture of my girlfriend, holding onto a buoy, in Hampstead Heath bathing ponds. I thought it was a fantastic picture when I drew it, but I realise now I've scanned it in she does look a bit mental and a bit of a moon-face.

She's neither a mental nor a moon-face, by the way; she's lovely, and is quite possibly my only reader.

Weird science teacher (2007)

What a treat for you bloggers! This is one of my most famous pieces. I know of at least one person who owns and cherishes a print of this striking sketch. Well, he photocopied it.

Prints (£4.99), t-shirts (£15.99), and originals (£100,000+) of all artwork featured on this page are available to purchase. What? Why not?

Sketch Diary: The Doctor

This doctor played with my face for a bit before telling me I had a rare genetic skin condition that he thought was really cool.

I realise the speech bubbles make it look like I'm trying to do one of those 'real life' graphic novels about having cancer or something, so I might stop doing them.

Sketch Diary: Something happens

Ah! Now this will make me look slightly interesting. Here is a representation of me being all nervous and shit, and failing to ask government health minister, Ben Bradshaw, a simple question, which is my job.
Look him up! He really does look a little bit like that.

Sketch Diary: Sketch Diary begins with a bang

My first picture. Excited at my new project and materials, I drew myself drawing while sat on my own in my flat doing fuck all. I added the sarcastic comment later.

Sketch Diary: Welcome to my blog

Hello. My sketch diary is falling apart so I'm putting my sketches online. I'm not just going to talk/ type about myself to myself though, like most blogs. Hello?
Maybe I am. We'll see.
I've kept my weirder pictures seperate from the sketch diary. The sketch diary's main purpose is to record things I've done this year that I thought were visually interesting. Very little or none of it is actually interesting, of course.

Hope you're enjoying it so far, unfortunate reader, whoever you are.

Oh, that's me. Boo hoo.